If you’ve ever avoided sending the text, having the convo, or setting a boundary because it felt too scary, too complicated, or too “selfish”... same.
I used to either shut down or explode. There was no in-between. Either I didn’t say anything at all and stewed in resentment, or I said too much, too loudly, too emotionally, and ended up feeling ashamed or unheard.
But DEAR MAN gave me a way to speak honestly without falling apart or going into damage-control mode.
It’s not magic. It’s just structure—especially helpful when your nervous system is on edge and your words feel messy.
Why DEAR MAN Helps (Especially if You Hate Confrontation):
✓ It keeps you focused – So you don’t spiral into overexplaining, apologising, or justifying.
✓ It helps you be clear without being aggressive – Which feels safer for everyone involved.
✓ It gives you a script when your emotions are too loud to find the words.
What It Stands For:
Describe – State the facts. What happened? Just the “what,” no emotion yet.
Express – Say how you feel about it. Honest, not dramatic.
Assert – Say what you need or want. Be clear and direct.
Reinforce – Explain why it’s worth their time too (“This helps us avoid more conflict.”)
Mindful – Stay on topic. Don’t get derailed by side arguments or bait.
Appear confident – You don’t have to feel confident, just hold your ground.
Negotiate – Be willing to hear their side too. It’s not all or nothing.
Here’s What It Can Sound Like:
“When you cancelled our catch-up without notice (Describe),
I felt brushed off and confused (Express).
I’d really appreciate if you could give me a heads-up next time (Assert),
because it helps me plan my time and not overthink things (Reinforce).”
That’s it. You’re not begging. You’re not attacking. You’re just being real.
Try DEAR MAN When…
You need to say no but feel guilty
You’re trying to ask for space or help
You want to repair after a fight but don’t know where to start
You’re scared you’ll explode or freeze if you don’t have a plan
You deserve to speak up without shame.
DEAR MAN won’t make it easy—but it’ll make it possible. And that’s enough to start.
You can also ask Elara to help you practice it. Just type something like, “Help me write a DEAR MAN message to my partner/friend/worker,” and she’ll guide you through step-by-step.